Learning to Play Again

Being "social" messes with my head

I have several illustration and writing projects that I am excited to work on, but I am too wrapped up in perfection to let it flow. I have a voice in the back of my head that tells me I MUST be on social media in order to ever “make it” in my endeavors.

This has been the loop that plays in the background every time I sit down to create anything. The mental chatter of trying to decide what I’m making, is it worthwhile, will anyone understand it, is it of any value, where is it leading, and on and on and on. This immediately shuts down my enthusiasm–my desire to play.

I adore the illustrators who show their sketches and rough work; the artists who bring us along on the journey of finding the final image. Yet, when I begin the process of finding my way my brain jumps to the end and evaluates the work in front of me. From that vantage point my work, my process, is always “wrong”. How could it be right?

Knowing this is what is happening in my meatloaf of a brain and stopping it are two very different tasks. So, right now my process looks a lot like slow scribbled messes on paper while I witness the battles waged in my mind. This page in a sketchbook shows the beginning of play but underneath the colorful layers it is an emotional rollercoaster of self-doubt and attempts to control my future.

Pretty on the page with an underground battle between a desire for privacy and safety, and the desire to share the journey. The art itself isn’t anything of note, even to me, it is a starting point of exploring how I want to illustrate a garden.

Funny what our minds do with the simplest of steps we take forward towards our goals.